Perhaps

In this transient world, you don't actually see me. I'm just the insignificant grass.

In this transient world, I'm always worried about you despite I'm just a stranger in your life. A gawky and peculiar stranger.

In this transient world, someone has stolen your heart for good. Perhaps, for eternity.

In this transient world, the pain is indescribable but as long as you're happy, it's okay.

In this transient world, I'm stout, fleshy and heavy (in other words, FAT).

Perhaps in another life, you could understand these inexplicable feelings which have grown for you, incessantly.

Perhaps in another life, you could really see the heart that would never stop praying for your safety, well-being and everlasting happiness despite your callousness.

Perhaps in another life, you could understand this unbearable pain of loving you enigmatically without reciprocation.

Perhaps in another life, you and others wouldn't think this is inane and ridiculous.

Perhaps in another life, I would be free from the bondage of ludicrous society.

Perhaps in another life, I'm slim and slender.

Perhaps in another life, you could see how important you are to me. Truly. 

Perhaps in another life, I could make you happy, perpetually.

Perhaps, in another life, I could see you again, smiling endlessly, if I survive.

I know you will be. InsyaAllah. Happy and unscathed, living in mirth and having blissful everlasting life as Allah will always listen, listen to my doa. I always pray for your safety in this world and Hereafter.

Perhaps in another life, I would be free from this unremitting pain, forever.

P.s:Too mushy and utterly mawkish?Well, can't help it. I've the hopeless romantic soul (lmao). By the way, "another life" in this context refers to  Hereafter, the life after death.

Oh sweet sweet holiday

Phew. I mean alhamdulillah. Right now I'm relishing my sweet sweet holiday. I can now savour my stack of books (not the university textbooks, of course), watch my favourite TV series and sitcoms like Pretty Little Liars (Oh I love you Mr.Fitz), Drop Dead Diva, The Big Bang Theory and Friends(have watched a zillion times but would never get bored), swim like Dugong and last but not least, blog blog and blog despite it might bore people to death.

My beloved Ezra Fitz (acted by my beloved Ian Harding)

One thing is for sure, being a Master student is quite surprisingly and flagrantly different than an undergraduate student. I feel like I've no life. And for your information, you must get 70% in order to pass. *bawls like a baby*. I don't wait to fail and I have tried my very best. Some of the questions made me wanted to yell and scream like Tarzan, "Aaaaaaaaaaa" but in a more dramatic way. Please pray for my success.

Oh by the way, time flies really fast, eh?It's now 2012 but I'm still fat and single. Please don't look at me and say "It's the end of the world" and run in circles endlessly . Trust me, it's not  as only God knows when.

Another year has gone by but the heart still remains the same–the same old heart, the same old feeling.

Ps: Well something memorable happened last November that made me twirl like a Bollywood actor. Don't get me wrong. No one has proposed to me or professed undying love. Well, only Allah knows. It might be nothing for some people but for me, I couldn't stop smiling. Unfortunately, it might not happen again. The moment was just brief and ephemeral but it would always be indelible and engraved on my heart.

Pending

Waiting, fidgeting, gnawing on nails,

Palpitating heart, saturating sweats,

Smacking head, screaming, sobbing,

Lying in bed, putting head under the pillow,

Getting up, switching on the laptop, scrolling,

Tears trickling down, looking and waiting

-Nuruljannah-

Ps: I feel inspired out of the blue.

One-sided

It’s ludicrous to say,

I care for you.

It’s immature to utter,

Those three magical words,

As I’m undeveloped film,

In your antique camera.

I could count,

The words you’ve uttered,

And how many times,

You’ve looked at me,

Despite a cursory glance

Could eradicate dark clouds

And make the sun rise.

It’s ludicrous to say,

I care for you.

It’s immature to utter,

Those three magical words,

As I’m just a hazy,

Blurry vision in your world.

But I really do,

I really do.

You are the invaluable jewels,

My amaranthine love,

Despite I would never be

In your heart.

-Nuruljannah-

As Blue as the Smurfs

You know I’m feeling blue when:

1) Gorged on a large set of Mozza Burger from A&W, followed by Nasi Lemak Ayam (it’s a Malaysian food), and lastly Moist Chocolate Cake. Oh yeah, Miss Gluttony on the loose. However, such method is unfeasible and has failed to cast away the sorrow. Only Allah has the power to eradicate it.

2) Went for a car ride with my beloved friend to the male hostels. I know it may sound un-Islamic but don’t get me wrong. We didn't barge into the guys' dormitory (are you crazy despite it would be awesome?) but just having an innocuous sightseeing tour and relishing the beautiful scenery of God's creations *winks*.

3) Inadvertently brought out a journal from the library which couldn't be borrowed. As a result, the sensor went ballistic as soon as I stepped out. All heads turned to me simultaneously as if I were a thief. I was dumbfounded and lost at first. I didn't realize that I’d brought along the book. Luckily, the librarian didn’t shoot me with a Taser gun.

4) Scowled at a stranger (a guy) who was gazing at my feet in awe. I didn’t know what was so interesting about my stinky feet but it irked me immensely when he ogled at them unblinkingly. When I glared at him, he looked at me with bewilderment as I snapped, “Apa tengok tengok? (What the heck are you looking at?)He was nonplussed with his jaws wide open in shock as I walked away. Okay, did I perceive it wrongly? His mind might be inattentive when he looked at my feet. Well, too late for that. Alhamdulillah, I went back to my hostel in one piece. I know I ought to be careful. Who knows that stranger might be a brutal killer or a vicious gangster.By the way, such incident happened at Wangsa Walk.

5) Burst into robust laughter when I watched Johnny English at the cinema till the exasperating laughter of mine attracted people to look at me instead of the movie.

4) Curled up in bed, sobbed and invoked Allah’s name.

Satisfying humans is like counting your hair

Oh yeah, I’m not joking. It’s impossible to please human’s heart desires. When you say kind, sugar-coated words all the time, (well can’t help it, my friend even called me Complimentary Smurf) some people find it rather annoying. If you utter harsh and corrosive words of course, they will turn into an incredible hulk and crush you like a bug.

Why do I love complimenting people? It’s not because of my penchant for buttering people up or wheedling them into giving me something I want but I just hate hurling caustic words at people.

I know some of you might find me utterly annoying because of my habit of excessive and extravagant in complimenting. I’m truly sorry if I annoy some of you deeply but I just can’t help it. This is me. You just have to accept me as I am Complimentary Smurf. And I know it’s hard to believe when I fond of complimenting people all the time as it might lose its value and diminish sincerity but I really do mean them. Suck it up you grouchy people er I mean, my dear sweet with sprinkles on top grou er gorgeous people who like to get angry all the time. This is who I am.

That’s all for today. Assalamualaikum.

English is the knowledge of the devil?

The New Beginning

My life as a postgraduate student has officially begun. I can’t deny this jittery feeling surging inside me. I am no Einstein but an utterly gawky, daft, diffident and introvert student who has a penchant for embarrassing oneself with naivety and clumsiness. However, having such disposition will never stop me from pursuing my master and climbing the stairway to success.

But, I really miss the life of an undergraduate student—my beloved crazy friends especially my dynamic duo and I can’t believe I said this, I miss the time which I loathe most— the time where I had to vehemently compete with others during subject pre-registration because it peeved us very much when we couldn’t get our desired subjects as we had to rearrange the schedule that we had schemed painstakingly.

And I miss the time where I faltered and stuttered during my presentation (oh wait, I still do that) and the time where um, only God knows what—especially that :(.

Alhamdulillah, I’m really glad I met Fifi. I couldn't stop howling with laughter when she coined her own words like hozeh, hotshemseh (sorry Fifi, if I’ve misspelled it), and other creative words she had contrived. It made my day. Thank you, Fifi. She helped me a lot and I’m really grateful. Unlike other master students, (not all of them, some of them are really nice), they are independent and selfish who have an insatiable desire for success even if it takes to bring others down in order to succeed. They have competitiveness streak in themselves and I’m not like that. I’m not being disdainful or praising myself but I really hate competing with others. Competitions give me heebie-jeebies.

English is the knowledge of the Devil?

Yesterday, in Research Methodology class, I was dumbfounded and shocked by Dr. Rozina’s story. She told us that there was one ignorant ustaz from IRKHS(Islamic Revealed Knowledge) department disparaged and defamed students who took English course and ruthlessly claimed that English is the knowledge of Syaitan (devil) and consequently made one student burst into tears. Our jaws dropped and we were completely appalled by his, sorry to say, idiotic and narrow-minded statement.

Seriously, English is the knowledge of the devil? Where did he get that idea from?From the noble Qur’an? From the hadith? Or from his midget mind(well, isn't it obvious)? This is gobbledygook! There’s no such statement stated in the Qur’an and hadith. In fact, Rasulullah s.a.w (peace upon him) encouraged Muslims to study and learn other languages to avert oneself from being deceived.

For your information, I’m pursuing a Master 's degree in English Language Studies. English language is not the knowledge of Syaitan but it is the tool of communication. Without English, how Islam can be widely disseminated? Not all of us can understand Arabic language (including me).

We as a Muslim should learn other languages and there’s no such thing as the knowledge of the devil. Unless you want to learn how to deceive people in order to gain one’s need, how to oppress innocent poor people and how to use black magic and those, my friend are truly knowledge of the devil.

It’s essential to learn and master English language in order to defend Islam from being slandered and slurred by the Western media. If Muslims are being ignorant and believed that English is the knowledge of the devil, Islam would be forever misinterpreted by the Westerners and we could not discard Islamophobia notion from their mind. It is our duty to reveal the truth about Islam. There are many conspiracies in this world. I doubt that Osama bin Laden is a Muslim because it’s sinful to kill and detonate innocent people despite they are non-Muslims. How can they be so sure self-bombing would be a ticket to heaven? The devil might cackle and carouse to see you being easily deceived and welcome you to the hellfire for bombing innocent people.

Prophet Muhammad s.a.w would surely chide and reprimand for such ruthless and cold-blooded behaviour. For your information, many Muslims were killed too during 9/11 incident. Did the Western media circulate such news? Not a bloody chance.

Can’t you see such injustice treatment against Muslims? And why did the U.S army shoot Osama Bin Laden on the spot and toss his body into the sea instead of capturing him alive and terminating him in front of people? Weird. Unless Osama is a fake Muslim and such story was created in order to spare his life. Can’t you see that, my dear non-Muslim readers? As I said, they are many conspiracies and plots in this world to tarnish the image of Islam.

Our beloved prophet Muhammad s.a.w (peace upon him) never taught people to oppress and kill innocent people despite they are non-Muslims. He instructed us to be kind, sympathetic, compassionate, selfless and love others for the sake of Allah.

There are many poignant and touching stories of our beloved Prophet Muhammad s.a.w and insyaAllah, I will share in the next post.

Okay, my point is, it’s vital to learn English language in order to evade oneself from being deceived. It’s important to learn about other cultures and spheres in order to broaden our mind and understand people more deeply.

Awkward moments

Okay, there are too many awkward moments to describe which I've experienced during this semester. I don’t know why I love to embarrass myself.

1^st incident

I confidently greeted a stranger whom I taught my friend. Seriously, she has an uncanny resemblance to my friend—in terms of her look, height and the way she garbed herself. No wonder she was nonplussed even though she pretended to know me.

2^nd incident

I was a half-hour late for my first class because Fifi and I got the wrong class and had difficulty to find the right one albeit I’ve been here for four constant years. -_-‘

3^rd incident

In my research class, I misunderstood my lecturer’s question. I thought she asked about our thesis and since I wanted to change my mode of study from coursework and dissertation to coursework only,I assertively answered that I would not do any research as I wanted to change my mode of study. However, what she meant was the topic for research proposal class assignment. No wonder my classmates were bursting into laughter. It dawned on me when my friend said she nearly knocked her head on the table when she heard my inane and honest statement.

4^th incident

This is just a slip of the tongue. Instead of saying steam iron, I inadvertently claimed that my iron has steamboat -_-‘and my cruel friend posted it on her Facebook.

Okay, that’s all for today but before I curl up in my cosy bed, I want to share a poem which I can relate to my life. This poem is not by me but one of my favourite writers, Fadzlishah Johanabas Rosli. Check out his wonderful blog: http://www.fadzjohanabas.com/

If only I was a patch of cloud

My shadow will bring respite

from the glare that burns your back

My tears will bring nourishment

to help you grow, to help you prosper.

If only I was the grassy field

Where you can rest for a while

in the still of the day

Where you can catch a glimpse of you dream

out of the corner of your eyes.

If only I was the open road

That you choose to travel upon

down the unknown where your future is

That you choose to stroll unhindered

up the vista of memories, old and new.

If only I was the world

If only I was your world

If only, as you were mine.

- Fadzlishah Johanabas Rosli-

Unfathomable

I wish I could describe,

And choose the perfect words,

To paint my vivid feelings,

To make you fathom,

This unfathomable heart.

I wish I could pour out,

These pent-up emotions,

Like strong coffee into a cup,

To make you taste my

Imperceptible pain,

The pain of seeing

This red rose blooms,

Burgeoning day by day

Despite your absence.

I know you will never reap and keep,

And see its tears seep,

But there it still grows for

You.

-Nuruljannah-

Ps: Well, sometimes words themselves are not enough to express what I truly feel. Only God knows and understands. By the way, I’ve enrolled back into my beloved university to pursue my master. There are many things I want to share. InsyaAllah , I will post it in my next post. Right now, I’m really sleepy and my brain is in idle mode. I know my blog is inactive and metaphorically speaking, adorned with spider webs but I will try my best to fight this writer’s block disease. Aja aja fighting!

Assalamualaikum and take care.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

I was dying to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 since its release. I’ve read the last book of course because I love Harry Potter. Nevertheless, I don’t consider myself as a die-hard fan since I embarked on the journey to the enchanted world of Harry Potter by reading the fourth book, “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” instead of the first one.

I didn’t know the existence of Harry Potter until the movie’s release. Before this, (when I was a kid) I didn’t have a preference for reading and my mom had to force me like parents who coerce their children to eat vegetables. Alhamdulillah, right now, I’ve a strong penchant for reading till my extravagant expenditure on books enraged my mom. Well, she was furious because my stacks of books consumed spaces and they were everywhere—on the floor, chair and especially my bed which gave my mum a massive headache.

Previously, they didn’t build me a proper bookshelf so there you go. I’ve to put my books in the high cabinet that is clearly out of my reach. That’s why I prefer to keep them on the floor, chair and my bed especially but I’ve to bear with my mum’s high-pitched scream. Books are loyal companion and I don’t want to be far away from them.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (may contain spoilers)

I forced er I mean tried to persuade my younger brother to watch the movie with me since I have a ludicrous fear of driving. He reluctantly agreed. I promised him that I paid for his ticket (well I’d to, for Harry Potter’s sake).

At last, I could watch Harry Potter since my last plan was cancelled. I was supposed to watch the movie with my friends last week but I had to accompany my mum to Brunei to attend a wedding which I didn’t know (but look at the bright side, there were free food and door gift). I didn’t want to ignite her anger and therefore, I had to agree while I was howling frantically inside.

At last, last Saturday I could watch my favourite movie—my eyes were like SpongeBob Squarepants, gleaming with happiness. The first part was tedious and I didn’t enjoy it but the second one was OMG, splendid, brilliant and mind-blowing! I cried incessantly Severus Snape’s memory part but I didn’t cry when I watched Nur Kasih the movie. My younger brother was shocked to see me sobbing and he guffawed heartily without having any fear of getting popcorn or shoes hurled at him because of his distracting laugh.

I knew Severus Snape was a good guy because I’ve read the book. I understand his unconditional love for Lily—truthfully and honestly, I do understand his feelings.

The part where he wants to protect Lily from any harms and implores Dumbledore to protect her. The part where Dumbledore has failed to save her and Snape can't do anything about it. He loves her unconditionally albeit she loves James Potter and he wants to protect her deeply and he truly cares for her (that's why Snape has the same Patronus Charm with Lily).

The part where Snape sees the person he loves most died and he can only hold Lily tightly and cry. The part where he silently looks after Harry Potter and protects him despite Potter has a strong resemblance to his father (Potter’s father used to bully Snape and he stole Lily from him).

The worst part is Lily doesn’t even know about his strong feelings for her. That truly kills me. I understand your feelings, Severus Snape. As a matter of fact, I do and I would do the same too.

It really hurts when you have strong heartfelt feelings for someone but that person doesn't know and might even forget your name.

It really hurts when that person is really important to you but in that person’s eyes, you’re a weirdo.

It really hurts when you want to protect that person so badly but you can’t. You can only pray to God for that person’s safety in this world and hereafter as God is the nearest and the best protector.

It really hurts when people around you keep pestering you to find someone but you know your heart belongs to that person even though you know that person doesn't have any idea at all (well,the heart is the hardest thing to govern).You know you’re clapping with one hand (a Malay idiom which means only you who develop that feeling whereas the other party doesn't reciprocate the same feeling as you) and you want to stop but you couldn't. All you can think is that person’s happiness.

That's all for today. Assalamualaikum

Poetry:The Absence

I miss the rhythm of your voice,

The beautiful carving on your face,

The sound of my heart beating furiously,

Like a train chugging on endless tracks.

I miss the ludicrous jokes,

The fragrant of happiness

Emanated from my skin,

The laughter of my own

With a little mixture of yours,

Would always be my favourite melody.

I miss when I smiled foolishly

Like a clown,

My eyes would glisten

Like the shimmering sun,

Despite my distant

Hazy image in your eyes.

I miss everything which involves you,

Despite I am just a distant

Hazy image

Of nothingness in your eyes.

-Nuruljannah-

My two cents

Frankly speaking, I’m not into politics. But, it doesn’t mean I’m utterly ignorant and oblivious to current political issues. Despite my penchant for reading chick lit and romantic novels(not the ones filled with erotic scenes ok..I'm not a randy pervert), I do, as a matter of fact, read about the boring issues of politics. Nah, it’s not really boring actually as the world of politics is inundated with flagrant drama, ludicrous rows, corruptions (of course, it’s the main course of politics) and the like.

Based on my observation, most people who are seriously into politics are abrasive, rough, cantankerous and belligerent— many of them use expletives, foul words to project their anger and hatred towards a particular party. I’m not only describing the characteristics of my people as it's the same goes for the rest. I quiver every time when I read the corrosive and brutally harsh criticisms about a particular party as if that particular person wants to rip off the other person’s heart and grind it into dust.

Well like just now I had a small but quite intense dispute with my brother-in-law regarding politics. I know he is an avid supporter of a particular party and I admire his steely determination and enthusiasm but once he has been provoked, make no mistake, he would transform into an incredible hulk.

Well, people are entitled to their own opinion and it’s not wrong to voice your dissatisfaction and opinions but it has to be done in sensible and professional ways rather than yelling boisterously, conducting a violent rally and etcetera.

Honestly, I don’t agree with yesterday’s rally, Bersih 2.0. Okay, before you condemn me vehemently, I’m entitled to my opinion because I hate squabbles and fights. I may be rebellious by nature but I do hate arguments. Why don’t we discuss it with harmony instead of conducting an intense rally?

If the government still ignores people’s voice for fair and impartial elections then I guess it’s okay to hold a demonstration but must not be clashed with harmony and peacefulness.

But honestly, I still disagree with the rally. Just look what happened. It affected others and caused bad traffic congestion, had disrupted peacefulness and the like. Many people had to suffer from such consequences. If it gives troubles and difficulties to people, wouldn’t it be haram?

Well, this is my honest opinion. Please don’t attack me for penning my thoughts down. I don’t blame and condemn Bersih supporters. I just don’t agree with the rally. In addition, many people end up squabbling and wrangling with each other because of it. That’s why I don’t support it and reject it wholeheartedly. Please, no more fight. I think compare to the other states, Malaysia is a peaceful and tranquil country. Please don’t take that away and we should always be thankful.

And dear government, please listen to their voices and mark your words, "rakyat didahulukan" (people first).

That’s all for today. Assamualaikum.

When my pen is inkless...

I need to get back on track. There’s a stack of dusty books need to be read. I really hate it when my fervent passion for reading and writing has plummeted like stocks.

Perhaps because of the excessive unhealthy fat food consumption might have intensified the disease of mine called indolence. Well actually, there is one particular reason why I can’t write—the absence of my inspiration (as I’ve mentioned in my previous tedious post).

I know I ought to start writing before my ideas would be eroded by my own forgetfulness nature. Yes as the matter of fact, I do have a short-term memory. However, when it comes to something really memorable to me, it will become indelible and engraved deeply on my heart despite my growing my age.

Actually, there’s a myriad of stories I want to write but my incompetency to express coherently and cohesively might be one of the main reasons why I’ve stopped writing.

I need to stop nit-picking and start writing. Well, I wish I could. I wish I could.

Seriously, right this moment, my pen is inkless.

After a long hiatus...

I know I’ve been slacking off and I know I’ve stopped writing for such a long time (with a tad mixture of exaggeration of course). I don’t know what has impeded me from writing er, I mean typing. No wonder I feel lost these past few days because I've stopped writing. I feel like I’m a lost soul wandering in the darkness. Is it because my heart stippled with black dots? Sometimes I feel far away from God because of my negligence in remembering Him.

I know I should not stop writing and become a slothful and an indolent person who likes to eat and sleep, eat and sleep, eat and … well, you get my drift, right O my beloved imaginary readers?

And I guess the absence of my inspiration is also one of the reasons why I can't write. I feel like the tank of my ideas has shrivelled and dried-up because of the absence.

I've also stopped reading without any sensible reasons. That’s why I feel like a walking corpse. What’s wrong with me? I feel like there’s a negative force hampering me from reading and writing. I wish I could eradicate and drive out these negative feelings out of me.

Despite being engulfed by this relentless pessimism, there’s something which made me extremely happy and perked me up. Maybe for some of you it’s not a big deal but for me, it is. My gibberish article was selected and published in the book called “What’s After SPM”. Alhamdulillah, at last. I submitted it in 2009 if I’m not mistaken.

It’s now available in MPH, Mid Valley Kuala Lumpur and other MPH bookstores (in KL) and also Kinokuniya, KLCC. I’m one of those 101 contributing writers. I would like to thank the editor of “What’s After SPM” for publishing my ludicrous article. It means a lot to me.

However, my article was edited -_-‘.Perhaps, because of my drivel and my penchant for rambling on inconsequential things. I haven’t read it yet and honestly I’ve forgotten what I wrote. The editor said my article would be edited. Yeah, I feel quite sad and dejected but oh well, look at the bright side—my nonsensical article has been published.

For your information (and before you pester me to treat you awfully expensive meal), I don’t receive loyalties on the sale of this book as this is considered as volunteer work (and I only sent one article by the way) but I will receive a free copy of the book.

Yippee and there’s a small picture of mine included in the book. Can't wait. Once again, thank you for publishing it. Alhamdulillah.

Please buy this wonderful and inspiring book but please don’t read my article. It’s quite embarrassing. Just read the other 100 stimulating articles. It's an apt book for form 5 students and SPM graduates. Well, you can buy it too if you are not one of them as this book is suitable for all ages. It’s sold at RM 19.90. By the way, this book will be officially launched on August 6, 2011 at MPH Midvalley around 1.30 p.m. Feel free to come but sadly, I can’t attend it.

Feel free to visit MPH websites to take a look at this wonderful book:- MPH Bookstore

P.S. Don’t read my article.

And also this website if you want to know more about the book:- What's After SPM

(Short Note: I'm number 66 in the list by the way :D).